I have been reading on one of my favorite sites about people that have moved to Australia having these panic attacks and anxiety attacks. I never really got it, until today.
I was calmly going through more of our belongings, making the three piles Take, Toss, Sell. Then there was a knock at our door. I went to the door and it was this idiot that has annoyed me since we started our yardsales in July. He comes when he wants, argues over prices, tells you you told him one price when you KNOW you did not and is just pushy as hell. He also speaks very broken English. Well, he picked the wrong day to come and annoy me.
We have a yardsale planned for tomorrow and he knows alot of the items that we will have at this one like TV, radio, microwave, etc. I politly told him as soon as I opened the door that the yardsale was at 8 am in the morning and to please come back then. I shut the door and he banged on the door again. I answered the door and said more sternly that I was very busy and he could see what we were selling tomorrow morning and he said "No. I want to buy TV now." This was not a good idea on his part as I had a baby in my arms, 2 toddlers by my side and it was 10 AM. I told him this time " I SAID THE YARDSALE IS TOMORROW MORNING. I AM VERY BUSY! NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!" This he understood and left.
When I shut the door, my 4 year old asked why we were selling everything again and that was all it took. I started crying, hyperventilating and got a pain in my chest. What the hell are we doing??Are we crazy? We are moving WHERE? OH MY GOD!!! Full blown panic attack. Luckily, a dear friend was online and has been there, done that and was able to bring me down and reassure me that it is ok. Why we are moving is a better way of life for our kids and for us. We are moving to one of the most beautiful places on earth and it will be ok. I am not a materialistic person but for some reason, the TV represents everything to me. I know, it sounds crazy but it is the hardest thing for me to get rid of. Then this afternoon, someone is supposed to come and see our beloved shepherd and see if she wants to adopt her. I do not think I can do that this evening. She is a huge part of us. She was our ring bearer in our wedding. She accepted me then our babies lovingly. How are we supposed to let her go? Please someone tell me this is ok? Someone tell me again that this is the right thing to do. Tell me everyone will be fine.
I need to call my doctor I think and get some xanax for future attacks and I mean a big ass bottle!
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5 comments:
*hugs*hugs*hugs*hugs*
This too shall pass... once you get here, it'll feel like it was just a faraway dream...
Oh, over the past few months I've definitely had that moment...a few times, in fact! And I still can't even think about my cat whom we left behind with a friend--I don't even ask about her because it's so hard. But, you'll soon see that it is all worth it. I promise!!
And, our new TV is much better than the one we had in the States... :)
I wish I could offer words of comfort about the dog, but there aren't any. Some decisions in life come with painful consequences and that's all there is to it. There is no rule in life that says you aren't allowed to feel sadness.
I often feel like I just walked out of my life and gave it to someone else. My friends are living in my house, driving my cars, petting my cat, while I sit here and pay for it...sorry, I'm a little homesick right now.
Grant yourself permission to feel whatever you feel. Just because you are choosing to move to Australia doesn't mean you are going to feel 100% strong about it at all times. You are normal and ok.
OK, so I'm way behind on my blogs having just got back from holidays across your soon to be new country (although not your part - haven't made it that far yet), but let me say what everyone else has said. It's all normal. I still have moments like that, like why in the world am I denying my kids their grandparents and vice versa. I sit and have a cry now and again, and I've been here 5+ years.
But it's totally worth it. Go with your gut, darl.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you but it WILL get better once you get here! I promise Then you may even go through it again once things settle and you get around to thinking about it, but that too shall pass. Life is about cycles, just remember to keep on peddling :)
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